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THE ABC’S OF A HAPPY
MARRIAGE
Written and edited By
Glenn Pease
INTRODUCTION
God is triune as
Father, Son, and Holy Spirit, and all that he has created takes after his
nature, which is omniscient, omnipresent, and omnipotent. For example,
Time is past, present
and future.
Matter is animal,
mineral and vegetable.
Space is above, level
and below, or heaven, earth and hell.
Highest virtues are
faith, hope and love.
A complete family is
father, mother and child.
Three is the number of
completeness, and so I have divided this book into three sections with each
section divided into three chapters. It does not, in fact, cover all that can
be covered for happiness in a marriage, but it does cover the most basic
factors. Any couple who will live in applying the truths involved in this
triune plan for a happy marriage, will be happy.
CONTENTS
A.
1. ACCEPTANCE OF GOD’S PLAN
p1-42
2. ACCEPTANCE OF YOUR SELF
p42-64
3. ACCEPTANCE OF YOUR MATE
p64-84
B.
C.
"According to
annual surveys conducted across the United States, "Most people say that having
a good marriage is one of the most important goals in life, and no other
variable is more predictive of the health, happiness, and general well-being of
adults than whether or not they are in satisfactory marriages" (Glenn,
1996, p. 15). Currently, approximately 45 percent of all first-time marriages
end in divorce, yet about 60 percent of those who divorce remarry. These
statistics confirm that people have a tremendous need to love and to be loved.
Every human being was formed by the Creator with a deep need and longing to be
in relationship—first with God and then with another human being. We can
clearly see in the Bible that love and relationships are central to God's plan
for humankind. God wants to restore oneness between us and Him, and the relationship
which most closely reflects our relationship with Him is the marital
relationship."
ADAM AND EVE
God was the first Adam
splitter. The result was Eve exploded on the scene and woman has ever since
been having explosive effects on man. Marriage is the result of the worlds
first surgery. God was the first surgeon and Adam the first patient, and Eve
the first thing to ever be removed by surgery. The whole thing was quite an
operation. The doctor actually provided his patient with a nurse out of his own
body, for he created Eve to be his helper. So the Garden of Eden was the first
surgical ward where all human relationships began. The point of all surgery is
to put something in or take something out that makes for better health, and Eve
was just the medicine Adam needed. The first purpose of marriage is
completeness. Adam needed Eve to be complete and whole. Marriage is not the
only way today to solve the need for companionship and completeness, for today
we have the choice of friends and family, and even fellow workers, that can
meet our needs for relating. But marriage is still the primary means by which
we meet this need, for it is the relationship with the deepest intimacy.
If we accept God’s
purpose for providing a mate for Adam, then we are committing ourselves to be
the intimate companion of the one we marry. We are to become one in flesh and
spirit, and we are to leave our family and those we have been dependant upon up
until this point in our lives and be fully committed to our mate as the primary
person in our lives.
Genesis 2:24 says
right after Eve was presented to Adam, "For this reason a man will leave
his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one
flesh." We see two principles of marriage in this text-the principle of
separation and the principle of sex. In other words, the plan of God for
marriage was that it was to be the primary relationship of life. The man was to
leave his dependance upon his parents, and become dependant instead upon his
mate as his primary source of help in life. They are to be united in every way
and especially a sexual way, and become one flesh. Leaving the dependence upon
the parents means that the wife becomes the priority and the primary person
that the man has to please. If there is a conflict and a man has to choose
between pleasing his parents or his wife, he is obligated to choose to please
his wife, and if the parents do not understand, they need to be shown that it
is God’s will. This, of course, is based on the assumption that the wife does
not demand something that is itself out of the will of God.
ONENESS IS GOD’S PLAN
FOR MARRIAGE
Marriage was God’s
plan from the beginning, and in Gen. 2:24 we read again, "For this reason
a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will
become one flesh." The KJV had it, "Therefore shall a man leave his
father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one
flesh." I like this, for it makes a perfect two point outline of leaving
and cleaving, and these are the two key points in God’s plan for marriage. We
know this is important to God for He has it repeated in His Word more than any
other statement concerning marriage. We find it here in Genesis and in 4 places
in the New Testament.
Matt. 19:5-6,
"For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to
his wife, and the two will become one flesh. So they are no longer two, but
one. Therefore what God has joined together, let man not separate."
Mark 10:7-9, "For
this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife,
and the two will become one flesh. So they are no longer two, but one.
Therefore what God has joined together, let man not separate."
I Cor. 6:16, "Do
you not know that he who unites himself with a prostitute is one with her in
body? For it is said, "The two will become one flesh."
Eph. 5:31, "For
this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife,
and the two will become one flesh."
Oneness is important
to God. It is a part of his very nature. Jesus said it several times in John
that "I and the Father are one." (John 10:30). The unity of the
trinity is basic Christian theology, for there is only one God in three
Persons. Oneness characterizes God, and he wants this to be true of all who
unite in marriage. He expects that they will be one, and this means there is to
be no conflict trying to decide which one is the one. Both are one, and this
unity is the key to being in God’s will and enjoying the best that marriage can
be. Most all of the problems of marriage arise out of the loss of oneness. It
has a parallel in our nation. We are one nation under God. We are many in one,
and when the 13 colonies became one nation it was the beginning of the most
powerful nation on earth. It is our unity that makes us strong. The Civil War
was fought to preserve that unity, for if we had divided and lost that oneness
we would never become what we have become. There is power in unity, and God
expects married couples to have this unity and oneness in order to experience
victory over all of the forces that seek to divide them.
Oneness is often lost
because mates, and especially the husband, refuse to obey the plan of God and
leave their dependance upon their parents and give their mate priority.
Florence and Fred
Littouer have done extensive study of this issue and in their book After Every
Wedding Comes A Marriage they give many examples of how not leaving leads to
the destruction of their marriage. Let me share a few so you get the point, that
if you are not ready to cut the apron strings, you are not ready for marriage.
You are not ready to accept the plan of God for a healthy and happy
relationship with a marriage partner.
"Martin said,
"Mama never approved of my wife. She told me right from the start, ‘that
girl is not good enough for you-she’s trash.’ I bucked her for a few years and
then she began to point out flaws in Mitzi and I listened. Nothing Mitzi did
was as good as mother did it. One day mother said, ‘Why don’t you move back home
and let me give you the treatment you deserve?’ I left Mitzi for mama and I’m
so ashamed!"
From Helen: "He
can’t even take an hour off to take me to the doctor, and he’s missed all the
children’s graduations, but if his mother calls he drops everything and
runs."
JoAnne sobs, "I
just found out that his will is made out to his mother. He says she’ll dole it
out as I need it and manage my life much better than I could. I can’t believe
it!"
Christine, "I
don’t even know if we have any insurance. When I ask him, he says not to
worry-his father knows where the papers are. What kind of marriage is
that?"
Bob, "Her family
has loads of money and she doesn’t dare cross them up or she’ll lose her
inheritance. We have to take our vacations with them and live next door. They
really control our lives."
Satan’s most powerful
weapons are used to divide people from God and from one another. Love is the
great power of uniting God and man, and man with man, and mates with one
another. Love makes oneness real. But there are many emotions and attitudes
that fight against love and divide us from God and one another. Paul says in I
Cor. 13 that love is patient and kind, but we all know how easy it is to become
impatient and unkind even with people we love, and so the battle is always on
to maintain the oneness of love. He says that love does not envy or boast, and
it is not proud or rude or self seeking, and it is not easily angered. But all
of these things are a daily risk for every couple in marriage, and so you can
see that the battle for oneness is not one that is ever finished. That is why
you have heard it many times that it takes work to make a marriage work. It is
work because it takes endless effort to overcome all of these things that pull
us apart and destroy our oneness. It is easy to say love is the answer, but it
is much harder to conquer all of these enemies of love that seek to divide us
constantly. Just being in love will not guarantee that you will always be
loving, and not be under the influence and even control of one of these love
dividers. Your goal of a happy marriage depends on your fighting together to
ever maintain this oneness that brought you together to get married in the
first place.
Rabbi Noah Weinberg
writing from the Jewish perspective says, "In the Torah, the expression
used to describe intimacy is "yadah," which means "to
know." ("And Adam knew his wife Eve, and she became pregnant and had
a child." - Genesis 4:1) Yadah denotes that intimacy is not just a physical
act, but is a full emotional union between two people. Judaism defines marriage
as "finding your other half." Through marriage, two people become
bound together into a single entity, bringing completeness to each other. The
longing for intimacy is really an expression of the longing to be joined
together with our "other half." Through the relationship, we express
this oneness." He goes on to say, "When a man and woman make a
marital commitment, they form a deep spiritual bond. They give to each other,
and are committed for a lifetime. Intimacy binds husband and wife together,
because it teaches us to focus beyond ourselves. Outside of marriage, intimacy
is ultimately frustrating because oneness can never be fully achieved. This is
obvious in regard to a short-term encounter. But even in a long-term setting:
Without the commitment of marriage, you always keep open the option of leaving
the relationship. As a result, the degree of connectedness reaches a barrier.
Eventually, frustration sets in, and the relationship erodes at its foundation."
Because Judaism is
based on God’s revelation in the Old Testament it has many of the same
convictions about marriage as Christianity. They have an even deeper
understanding of the romantic love involved in the Song of Songs than do many
Christians. Rabbi Weinberg writes, "Judaism says that intimacy is one of
the holiest acts we can perform. In fact, the Hebrew word for the marriage
ceremony, "kiddushin," comes from the word "kadosh," holy.
Judaism says that the greatest physical pleasure is that which is done for a
spiritual reason. That's why on Shabbat, the holiest day of the week, when you
are able to get closest to attaining your longing, the Sages specifically
enjoin couples to be together. It is important to see how this longing for
closeness is driving you. It is very deep. It will give your marriage meaning.
"Song of
Songs," written by King Solomon, is a love song between a man and a woman.
Yet the Talmud calls it the "Holy of Holies" -- the most sacred
biblical text. Why? Because intimacy is really an expression of our deep desire
for the ultimate unity: to connect with God. The verse, "I am to my
beloved, and my beloved is to me" (Song of Songs 6:3), refers symbolically
to the longing for oneness with God. Bring spiritual awareness into your marriage.
The secret to a really a powerful marriage is to walk with God in the middle.
Being kind to your spouse is a way of being like God, who created us to give us
pleasure. Tapping into this mind set will give your marriage more meaning and
ultimately, more pleasure." Most Christian commentators on the Song today
would say amen to these words. I have conducted a year long marriage enrichment
seminar just on this marvelous book alone, for it is truly the greatest
marriage manual for a happy marriage that exists on this planet. It is God’s
marriage manual, and you can find no greater author than Him. It is poetry
exalting oneness with our Lord and our lover. Some poet wrote,
Love
is the offering of Oneness,
the maintenance of Oneness,
and the work of creating Oneness.
True love is an epic romance
with Oneness, with love and with life itself.
Someone gave this
analogy to show how it is wise to think of ourselves as one, for it is to love
yourself to love your wife as yourself: "Let us say husband and wife are
as one body with the husband representing the right side and the wife the left.
When you look at marriage in this way, it is foolish to think or speak badly of
the other side. To make the other side as happy as possible by exerting
yourself through your utmost sincerity is the only way to make yourself happy.
If you criticize or mistreat your other side, you are lowering the value of the
unit of which you yourself represent a half." The goals of many seminars
is to help couples achieve oneness on all levels, and this is the online of one
such seminar."
One
In Spirit (Attitude Adjustment)
One
In Mind (Psychological Adjustment)
One
In Soul (Spiritual Adjustment)
One
In Body (Sexual Adjustment)
One
In Essence (Maturing Oneness)
One
Forever (Enduring Oneness)
In the effort to
become one, however, it is important to remember this does not destroy our
individuality. We never lose ourselves in this oneness, just as the Father, Son
and Holy Spirit remain individuals with their own personalities even while they
are completely one. The churchis also one body, but it is made up of a
diversity of members who have a variety of functions, but they are all
interdependent. Oneness does not destroy their individuality. It is like a
basketball team with each member of the team contributing to get the ball in
the hoop to win. Married couples are a team working together for common goals
with a oneness in their loyalty to what they understand to be the will of God. They
are characterized by the term teamwork.
Jeanette and Robert
Lauer studied 300 couples who had been married 15 years or longer, and they
discovered that these happily married couples used the word we often in
describing their married life.
"We agree on aims and goals."
"We laugh together."
"We agree on a philosophy of
life."
"We share outside hobbies and interests."
"We agree about our sex life."
"We have a stimulating exchange of ideas."
"We agree on how and how often to
show affection."
"We try to share everything."
A number of studies conclude that happy
marriages-
"..have a sense of belonging with
each other -- a sense of `we." They strive to share as much of life
together as possible, for they are more than mates. They are lovers,
companions, partners and best friends, and this makes for we-ness and oneness
in most all areas of life. To do this they need to obey the leaving and
cleaving command of God in Genesis. They have to be united against all other
voices that pull them in different directions. They need to cleave to each
other and not let anything or anyone come between them. Because they leave and
cleave they are able to weave a we-ness and oneness in their relationship that
is not easily torn.
Many of the marriage conferences and
books on marriage stress the importance of growing in oneness, for the Bible
makes it clear that this is the plan of
God, and we cannot have God’s best without it. They also make it clear that
coming to a oneness with God is a key factor in developing a oneness with your
mate. Some amazing things have happened to many very bad marriages when they
get their focus on oneness. Joe Beam has written much on this theme because he
has seen the power of it to restore broken relationships. He shares this story
as an example:
"A couple of years ago, I briskly
entered an auditorium filled to standing-room-only by thousands of people
impatiently waiting for the speaker to arrive. That’s why I moved briskly: I
was the tardy speaker. A hurting couple had commandeered me in the parking lot
and wouldn’t release me until I heard their hurt and told them where to find
the cure. Now, making my way down the overcrowded side aisle, mumbling
apologies to the people I was stepping on and tripping over, I found myself
suddenly brought up short by a giant of a man standing determinedly in my way.
"You Joe Beam?" he arched his
eyebrow and bored his eyes into me as he asked, making me a little unsure of
whether I wanted to identify myself.
"Ahhh, yeah, ummm, I’m Joe
Beam."
"My name’s Brad, and this is
Thelma," he said as he magically produced a bashfully smiling, petite lady
from behind him. "We were married for twelve years before we split up.
When I left, I couldn’t remember ever loving her and just wanted to be free of
her, her family, and anything else that had to
do with her. You felt the same way about
me, didn’t you, honey?" She smiled broadly in reply.
"Well, anyway, our preacher wouldn’t
give up on us. Kept telling us that God could fix this if we’d let Him, but
that just sounded like preacher talk to me, you know? Finally, just to get him
off my back, I agreed to go through your His Needs, Her Needs course at church.
Thelma had already said she’d go."
At that point, he got misty-eyed and
hugged her tight against him. "Man, did I ever see the power of God! He
worked on me for those eight weeks, bringing me closer to Him. And when that
happened, something changed in the way I thought about Thelma. I don’t even
know that I can explain it except to say that I don’t think I would ever have
come to love her if I hadn’t first learned something about loving God.
"Thelma and I struggled through the
tough parts of that course as we did all the things you told us to do on the
tapes and in the handbook. We worked hard, not because we wanted to, but
because we got to liking the folks in our group and didn’t want to let ‘em
down, and because I was beginning to grow in God like never before. I don’t
know that I can tell you the exact moment it happened, but one day I realized
that I loved this woman. And I found out that she never stopped loving me.
"I just want to make sure you tell
these people that God can do anything with a marriage, no matter how bad it is.
If He can turn me around and give me love and a great marriage with my wife, He
can do it for anybody. If you just do what God tells you to do, you get what
God promises. You tell ‘em that for Brad and Thelma."
I did tell them, and now I’m telling you:
God can do anything in your marriage — no matter what it’s like right now. If
you love each other now, He can show you how to love with deeper levels of
intimacy. If you don’t love each other, He can create love in your relationship
in ways that defy comprehension. Just as He created our world from absolutely
nothing, He can create deep, abiding, intimate love in your heart even if none
lives there now.
He is Creator.
He can do it.
Trust Him.
But remember, if you want deeper, more
fulfilling intimacy with your mate, you must first develop deeper, more
fulfilling intimacy with God.
Dennis Rainey, author of many books on
marriage says, "No matter how far a couple has traveled down the road to
isolation, they can still start on a road that leads to ‘Oneness
Marriage.’" He goes on to say,
|
"A Oneness
Marriage is a husband and wife who are crafting intimacy, trust, and
understanding with one another. It's a couple who is chiseling out a common
direction, common purpose, and common plan for their lives. A Oneness
Marriage demands a lifetime process of relying on God and forging an enduring
relationship according to His design. It's more than a mere mingling of two
humans-it's a tender merger of body, soul, and spirit." |
To achieve this goal it is important again
to stress the need to leave the past dependency on parents. The Radio Bible
Class booklet, When the Flame Flickers says, "The Hebrew term translated
"leave" is a strong one that is often translated "forsake"
elsewhere. While the rest of Scripture makes it clear that this doesn’t mean
that a couple is to cut off all contact and communication with one’s family. It
does indicate, however, that a clear separation from parental priorities,
traditions, and influence is necessary if a couple is to bond together in their
own home. The man is directed to initiate the separation. He must abandon the
nurturing parent-child relationship to prepare for the nurturing husband-wife
relationship. By detaching from his parents, he frees himself to form a new
alliance with his bride. This willful shift in core loyalties is necessary for
the bride as well. There must never be a loyalty to anyone else, whether parent
or child, friend or family, that is greater than the loyalty to one’s spouse.
"The failure to shift loyalty from parents to spouse is a central issue in
almost all marital conflict."ref.htmlEvery couple must
hammer out their own values, traditions, and priorities that will define their home
without allowing parental intrusion or interference. Once separation from
parents is initiated, a couple can begin building a new bond together."
The idea of one flesh obviously means
sexual intercourse, and this is a special oneness that is essential to a happy
marriage, but often people forget that the physical will be far more enjoyable
with one with whom there is spiritual, and emotional oneness. Sexual oneness is
a true celebration when it is done with one you are one with in many others
realms of life. Paul says you can become one with a prostitute also, but this
is not true oneness, for you do not share a total life together. Sexual oneness
is only at its best when it is a part of a greater whole in oneness.
"Oneness is the joyful sense of connection that a husband and wife
experience as a result of their exclusive and unparalleled devotion to each
other."
ENEMIES OF ONENESS
If we truly accept God’s plan to be one,
we will strive to avoid all that divides us and pulls us apart. We will, when
we fail to support this oneness, quickly confess our folly and be reconciled.
In other words we will be ever watchful against all things which pull at this
oneness and put pressure on it. Modern studies have shown us the primary foes
against the oneness of marriage, and we need to be ever aware ,if one of these
enemies of our happiness is raising its ugly head, to slay the dragon before
its fire erupts and destroys any part of our oneness. Scott Stanley has written
the book A Lasting Promise: A Christian Guide to Fighting for Your Marriage.
These issues are dealt with at length in this book, but we will give the gist
of the four key causes why Christian marriage fail. These four things have been
extensively researched by the study of actual couples. These are the key
enemies of oneness, and we need to be aware of them and ready to eliminate them
when they appear in our marriage.
1. Escalation
1 Peter 3:9 says, "Do not repay evil
with evil or insult with insult." But this is exactly what happens with
escalation. Each negative comment increases the level of anger and frustration,
and soon a small disagreement blows up into a major fight. Escalation is the
inability to call it quits and end a conflict. It happens with people and
nations. War can be heck on any level, but when escalation takes over and each
side demands revenge for the last attack on them, then war is hell. That is
what a couple bring into their relationship when they do not know how to
forgive an evil or insult. If you have to get even, then you are driving a
wedge between you and your mate. You are creating a crack in your oneness, and
with enough of these escalations you can break it in pieces. People think they
can shout and say mean things to their mate and then kiss and make up, but they
forget Proverbs 12:18 which says, "Reckless words pierce like a
sword." You can make up, but you leave scars by your bitter words. You
need to deal with anger in more rational way, or you will do damage that will
eventually erode your oneness. Your tongue will be a key tool to build love and
oneness, or it will be a weapon by which you tear it down. "If anyone
considers himself religious and yet does not keep a tight rein on his tongue,
he deceives himself and his religion is worthless" (James 1:26).
2. Invalidation
"Invalidation is a pattern in which
one partner subtly or directly puts down the thoughts, feelings, or character
of the other." Those mates who have a tendency to attack each others
character are primary candidates for divorce. Nobody can stand it very long to
go on loving someone who thinks they are of little worth. Attack and put down a
mate’s self esteem and you are on your way to divorce court. When you declare
your mate’s feelings and ideas as stupid and worthless, you spit in your own
face, for you hurt the oneness that can give you joy and pleasure. When you say
any aspect of your mates being is invalid you are in a non-love mode, and it
will destroy rather than build.
"The antidote to invalidation is
validation. Couples must work at validating and accepting the feelings of their
spouse. That does not mean you have to agree with your spouse on the issue at
hand, but it does mean that you listen to and respect the other person's
perspective. Providing care, concern, and comfort will build intimacy.
Invalidating fears and feelings will build barriers in a marriage. Discipline
yourself to encourage your spouse without invalidating his or her
feelings."
Sue Bohlin give us some other examples:
Rolling the eyes at something a spouse
says
Ignoring the spouse when they're talking
A dismissing or contemptuous tone of
voice in saying things like "I don't think so" or "You're
wrong" or "Like you would know anything about that!" (Note:
those very words can be used in affectionate banter when said with a smile and
in the context of a spouse's strengths.)
Any form of sarcasm
Making plans without consulting the
spouse (which would affect the spouse)
Ridiculing a spouse's dreams and hopes,
even in jest
Continually rejecting a spouse's romantic
or sexual overtures
Choosing to spend time chatting with
internet friends (especially of the opposite sex) over being with one's spouse
Not acknowledging the heart issues behind
the words that a spouse shares
Not looking at a spouse when they're
talking
Being critical of or ridiculing a spouse
in public, even in jest
In a dispute or disagreement that
involves the children, ganging up with them against the spouse
Saying things like "Oh, your mother
is just being wierd (stupid, illogical, emotional, etc.) again" or
"Don't listen to your father, he doesn't know what he's talking
about" to one's kids
3. Negative interpretations
"Negative interpretations occur when
one partner consistently believes that the motives of the other are more
negative than is really the case."ref.html "Such behavior
can be a very destructive pattern in a relationship, and quickly erode intimacy
and oneness in a marriage. A wife may believe that her husband does not like her
parents. As a result, she may attack him anytime he is not overly enthusiastic
about visiting them. He may be concerned with the financial cost of going home
for Christmas or about whether he has enough vacation time. She, in turn,
considers his behavior as disliking her parents.
When a relationship becomes more
distressed, the negative interpretations mount and help create an environment
of hopelessness. The attacked partner gives up trying to make himself or
herself clear and becomes demoralized.
Another kind of negative interpretation
is mind reading. "Mind reading occurs when you assume you know what your
partner is thinking or why he or she did something." Nearly everyone is
guilty of mind reading at some time or other. And when you mind read positively,
it does not tend to do much harm. But when you mind read on the negative side,
it can spell trouble for a marriage.
Paul warned against attempting to judge
the thoughts and motives of others (1 Cor. 4:5). And Jesus asked, "Why do
you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother's eye and pay no attention to
the plank in your own eye?" (Luke 6:41).
Negative interpretations are hard to
detect and counteract. Research shows that in distressed marriages there is a
tendency for partners to discount the positive things they see, attributing
them to causes such as chance rather than to positive characteristics of the
partner. That is why negative interpretations do not change easily.
The key to battling negative
interpretations is to reconsider what you think about your partner's motives.
Perhaps your partner is more positive than you think. This is not some
unrealistic "positive thinking" program, but a realistic assessment
of negative assumptions you may be bringing to the marriage.
4. Withdrawal and Avoidance
"Escalation, invalidation, and
negative interpretations are three of the four negative risk factors identified
by researchers at the University of Denver. The last of these has two
descriptors: withdrawal and avoidance. These are two different manifestations
of the problem wherein a partner is unwilling to get in or stay in a discussion
that is too threatening.
"Withdrawal can be as obvious as
getting up and leaving the room or as subtle as 'turning off' or 'shutting
down' during an argument. The withdrawer often tends to get quiet during an
argument, look away, or agree quickly to a partner's suggestion just to end the
conversation, with no real intention of following through."ref.html
"Avoidance reflects the same
reluctance to get into certain discussions, with more emphasis on the attempt
to not let the conversation happen in the first place. A person prone to
avoidance would prefer that the topic not come up and, if it does, may manifest
the signs of withdrawal just described."ref.html
In a typical marriage, one partner is the
pursuer and the other is the withdrawer. Studies show that it is usually the
man who wants to avoid these discussions and is more likely in the withdrawing
role. However, sometimes the roles reverse. But, for the sake of this
discussion, we will assume that the husband is the one who withdraws.
Why does he withdraw? Because he does not
feel emotionally safe to stay in the argument. Sometimes he may even be afraid
that if he stays in the discussion or argument that he might turn violent, so
he retreats.
When the husband withdraws, the wife
feels shut out and believes that he does not care about the marriage. In other
words, lack of talking equals lack of caring. But that is often a negative
interpretation about the withdrawer.
He, on the other hand, may believe that
his wife gets upset too much of the time, nagging and picking fights. This is
also a negative interpretation because most pursuers really want to stay
connected and resolve the issue he does not want to talk about.
Couples who want to have a good marriage
must learn to stay engaged. Paul said, writing to the church in Ephesus,
"Therefore each of you must put off falsehood and speak truthfully to his
neighbor, for we are all members of one body. In your anger do not sin: Do not
let the sun go down while you are still angry, and do not give the devil a
foothold" (Eph. 4:25-27).
Although the immediate context in this
passage is anger, the broader principle is the importance of not allowing
avoidance to become a corrosive pattern in your marriage. Couples should build
oneness and intimacy by speaking openly and honestly about important issues in
their marriage.
Conclusion:
Each of these four risk factors
(escalation, invalidation, negative interpretations, and withdrawal and
avoidance) can build barriers in a marriage leading ultimately to loneliness and
isolation. The research shows that couples that want a good marriage need to
eliminate these risk factors from their marriage, or else the negative factors
will overwhelm the positive aspects of the marriage. It is never too late to
put your marriage back on track.
For further study on this topic, I would
once again recommend that you purchase the book A Lasting Promise: A Christian
Guide to Fighting for Your Marriage. This book is widely available and is a
good source for help in establishing and maintaining the oneness that God
desires for every marriage.
© 1998 Probe Ministries International
THE GOAL OF ONENESS IS INTIMACY
The Bible makes it clear that God is an
intimate personality. He is three Persons in one Godhead, and all three are as
one in thought and action. There is never conflict or disagreement, but perfect
harmony. The Bible also makes it clear that this is the goal God has for His
people, that they be one, and not divided. The Gospel broke down all walls that
separate the peoples of the world, and it made possible the uniting of Jews and
Gentiles in the body of Christ, which is the church. Paul in Rom. 12 stresses
how this body with all of its parts with different functions is to be one in
perfect harmony. All the New Testament letters stress over and over that we are
to love one another, to care for one another, to serve one another, to be kind
to one another, to bear one another's burdens, to fellowship with one another,
to forgive one another, and on and on with continuous stress on unity and
intimacy as the ultimate ideal.
This ideal of intimacy in God, and in the
church is carried over to be the ideal as well in the marriage bond. In other
words, the Bible makes it clear that intimacy is the ideal goal toward which
every relationship must move if it is to be the best that it can be. From the
beginning the twofold steps of marriage are leave, and cleave. A couple leave
their dependence upon their parents, and they cleave in dependence upon one
another. They leave the old relationship of intimacy and cleave to a new one,
which they are to make the most intimate relationship they have in life. All of
this means that the primary goal of marriage is to develop intimacy. Intimacy
is what makes marriage all it was meant to be.
Dr. Ruben writes, "...the single
most important characteristic of a deep relationship is a shared personal
history. The partners history together, whatever its length, is of prime
importance to them. Shared history has little value to people who are involved
only superficially.....Reverence for these parts of their life's experience
that they shared--problems, frustrations, tragedies, accomplishments, change,
growth, hurts, joys, exchanges with other people--is crucial in deep
relationships."
Dr. John Trimble in Hard To Achieve
wrote, "My hypothesis is that not many people experience intimacy although
most people profess that they would like to. Not every person is even capable
of achieving intimacy as discussed in Chapter 3. Apparently, from observing the
behavior of people, most couples are not willing to set aside the necessary
time and to invest sufficient energy to improve their capacity for intimacy or
to work on intimacy with their partner. As a result, few couple achieve much
intimacy often. That has to be my conclusion. I find no writers who disagree
with what I am saying here, although they do not state the case as pointedly as
I do."
Sharing in depth seems especially
difficult for some people who have been brought up in families where they keep
everything to themselves. Some men seem to feel that the telling of personal
thoughts and feelings is a sign of weakness or a threat to their manhood. Even
to say, "I love you" is to confess the need of another person, which
some, in their fear of becoming dependent, find difficult to do. The fear of
intimacy is often based on poor self-esteem. A person feels that to know them
intimately is to cease to like them, for they feel ashamed of who they are deep
inside. They feel unlovely, and so they do not want to share that, and bring
out all of the negatives they feel inside them. What they do not realize is
that these negatives inside influence their external behavior in negative ways.
If they would share and get these feelings out in the open, they could get them
modified and even eliminated. God knows the worst about us, and yet He still
loves us. If we let our mate know us more deeply we will learn that they too
love us in spite of our defects, and will, like God, help us to overcome the
defects.
You cannot anchor a ship with a string,
for it demands a rope and a rope is a strong thick cord made by twisting
smaller cords together. A rope does not just happen, it has to be made. So the
rope that holds a couple together has to be made by weaving together many
smaller experiences of intimacy. Couples need to review their life every so
often. They need to think back on the events that brought them together, and
which led to their enjoyment of one another to the point that they wanted to
marry each other. They need to focus on the fun times they had together on
vacations, and on times with their children that were precious. Look at reruns
of your old video you took when the children were young. Weave your own rope
with the many little things that made your relationship one of pleasure and
joy.
Falling in love is exciting, but staying
in love is even more exciting. Falling in love is like the 4th of July, but
staying in love is like patriotism. It is not just an event, but a value that
covers all events. We can have a terrible 4th of July, and yet still love our
country. You can have a flop of a Valentine's Day, and have all work out for
the worst, but a day, or an event, does not define romance and love. It is the
over all long range process that matters. Falling in love is not something you
plan ahead of time, but staying in love is a choice and a challenge that you
commit yourself to by investing time, money, and labor. This is what intimacy
is all about.
When you marry, you choose to value
intimacy over variety. You choose to specialize, and instead of knowing a lot
of the opposite sex in general, you strive to know a lot about one of the
opposite sex in particular. The single person is a general practitioner, but
the married person is a specialist in love. J. Allen Petersen wrote,
"There is no love in marriage; love is in people, and people put it into
marriage. There is no romance in marriage; people have to infuse it into their
marriages." The point is, couples need to work at intimacy. It does not
just happen. Intimacy means being fully at home with someone. It is where I am
free to be completely myself without fear of rejection. It is fear of rejection
that causes us to hide from another. When I am loved without fear I do not fear
to love others. It frees me from the need of paying attention to myself and
worrying about whether I am lovable.
The number one problem brought into this
world by the fall is "The intimacy crisis." Man has an inability to
be close to God, his mate, others, and even himself. The ultimate failure of
intimacy is hell, which is total aloneness, with no relationships whatever. The
ultimate goal of salvation is eternal oneness with God and all others. The
great universal battle of light and darkness, good and evil, love and hate is
the battle for intimacy. In short, the goal of life is to develop greater
intimacy. "The chief end of man is to glorify God and enjoy Him
forever." That is the ultimate intimacy.
Ed Wheat in Secret Choices writes,
"Medical doctors have found that an intimate relationship between a
husband and wife can determine how well that couple masters the crisis of life.
A high degree of intimacy can also provide shelter and relief from the ordinary
tensions of life. Life becomes richer and more colorful when shared with an
intimate partner; it offers love and laughter, pleasure and stability. In fact,
we believe the secret of staying in love for any married couple can be summed
up in this one potent word: Intimacy."
Steven A, Hammon wrote, "God created
us, I believe, with a deep, instinctive need for intimacy...........Reports
from concentration and prisoner-of-war camps indicate that people who had had
meaningful relationships with even one other person stood a far better chance
of survival than those who shut others out."
Dr. C. Edward Crowther writes,
"About ten years ago I conducted a study of people who were dying in
hospices and orthodox hospitals in the U.S. and England........I talked at
length to each of the almost two hundred people in my statistical population
sample. They were open and kind with me, and I was very grateful for their
time. When I asked each person individually what mattered most in life, around
ninety percent answered intimate relationships." He goes on, "In my
practice of psychotherapy, I see many, many people every year. Most have
symptoms of anxiety or depression, or they are beset with behavioral disorders
such as over indulgence in drugs, alcohol, food, or work. Increasingly I'm
finding the absence of intimacy is the common denominator in the analysis and
treatment of people with these and many other symptoms."
Zig Zigler tells of the Indian who
discovered oil in Oklahoma, and went from poverty to great riches. Everyday he
went to town in his new Cadillac. He was the safest driver in that whole area,
because he had his Cadillac pulled by two horses. He hated machines, and so he
never learned to start it. He used it like a carriage. This seems very weird to
us, but there are parallels in our lives. Many never learn to use their VCR or
their computer. We are often content with the external value of machines, but
never care to get into the inner workings of them. This is true of marriage
also. We pay a lot of attention to the externals of the wedding and the home,
but very little to the intimacy of the mates.
Intimacy can be difficult to capture. It
is like the formations in the clouds. You see the dog, but by the time you get
someone's attention to look, it has faded. They are constantly shifting and
hard to capture. So it is with intimacy. Now you have it, and now you don't.
Intimacy is based on self-disclosure. That is why it is often easier to talk to
a stranger than to your mate. After a few years in marriage, mates often feel
there is nothing left to share. To counteract this, mates must be sharing new
feelings, new convictions, and up to the minute perspectives on many aspects of
life.
Howard and Charlotte Clinebell in their
book, The Intimate Marriage say, "Intimacy is not so much a matter of what
or how much is shared as it is the degree of mutual need-satisfaction within
the relationship." Mates need to feed each others body, mind, and spirit.
The food that nourishes all three is the honest sharing of your own inner
being. Wives tend to need this more than husbands. Men like intimacy but women
love it and this is a major difference in the sexes. Women are more personal
and that is why they do not enjoy sports as much. They see it as hard to
develop a close relationship in the ring or on the football field. Men tend to
think of intimacy as sex, but wives tend to think of it as all the talking and
affection that prepares them to enjoy sex. The wise couple seeks to meet each
other's need for intimacy, and because this can mean two different things, each
has to try and think like the other, and not just focus on what intimacy is to
them. Switching roles can help make you more conscious of the other's
perspective, and it can add some spice to your love life.
It is possible to develop the paralysis
of analysis, and study problems until you are sick of the whole thing and give
up in total frustration. You might love the game of ping pong, but be driven
batty by a lecture on the aerodynamics of the balls and the components that go
into making the table. You may love watching television, but be bored out of
your mind by a technical study of how it works. The point is, you can get sick
and tired of studying all the authorities telling you how to make your marriage
better.
Their lists of things to do for this
problem and that one can get to be overwhelming, and you get frustrated and
give up, for it seems so hopeless. The poem of Walt Whitman about listening to
the astronomers is appropriate here. He says he listened to all their proofs
and figures, and looked at all their charts and diagrams until he became sick
and tired of them. He got up and wandered out into the night-air and looked up
in silence at the stars. The bottom line is, there are positive and beautiful
experiences in life that we need to just go to directly and enjoy. We do not
need to understand all the technical facts about the experience or why, when,
where, or how. We just need the experience. So in marriage, you do not need to
know everything about love to experience it. Sometimes you just need to go
ahead and enjoy the experience of love with each other and not try to figure
out how to capture it in an intellectual formula. We need to just use common
sense and do what is obvious. The poet said,
Amid the cares of married life,
In spite of toil and business
strife,
If you value your sweet wife,
Tell her so!
Prove to her you don't forget
The bond to which your seal is
set;
She's of life's sweet the sweetest
yet--
Tell her so!
Don't act as if she'd passed her
prime,
As though to please her was a
crime--
If e'er you loved her, now's the
time:
Tell her so!
Never let her heart grow cold--
Richer beauties will unfold;
She is worth her weight in gold:
Tell her so!
--Author unknown
In our culture the focus is on success as
the source of happiness, but in ancient Israel the focus was on relationship
for happiness. In Deut. 24:5 we read, "If a man has recently married, he
must not be sent to war or have any other duty laid on him. For one year he is
to be free to stay at home and bring happiness to the wife he has
married." He was to have one solid year free of all responsibility but
that of making his wife happy. This pattern once established would be a part of
their lives forever. The point is, God's will is that the focus of marriage be,
not the nation, not the community, not the economy, but each other. Get that
right and then incorporate the other aspects of life. We go the other way, and
try and get all else right, and then focus on the relationship. It is because
we tend to put everything ahead of romance and intimacy that we have such a
high divorce rate.
Both mates contribute to the loss of
romance and intimacy. But the husband, as leader of the house, bears the
responsibility to restore the romantic relationship. He is to begin to treat
his wife with the attention she needs to get motivated to please him. He is to
love his wife as Christ loved the church and gave Himself for her. Jesus was
the initiator, not the church. We love Him because He first loved us. Husbands
leading the way is the biggest need in our culture.
J.A. Fritz goes so far as to say,
"You can search the Bible from Genesis to Revelation and you will find no
statement where God has commanded or demanded that a woman love her husband
with an agape love. It's always turned around-"Husbands, love your
wives." A woman is like a pump that must be primed. If the water of love
is put into her she will automatically respond with love, she does not have to
be commanded to do so. This is innate in the feminine structure."
In general, romance is more important to
women than men. Studies show that the absence of romance is high on the list as
a source of depression in women. Men rate it near last place. Why should this
be? Men derive self-esteem from being respected in their place of work. Their
success in the world makes them feel good about themselves. Women, however,
feel worthy when they are loved. The female has a far deeper need for feeling
loved, and needs the reassurance of romance. Her self-esteem depends upon it
more than does a mans. He finds it hard to grasp why it is such a big deal to
her.
One man said, "I just don't
understand my wife. She has everything she could possibly want. She has a dish
washer and a new dryer, and we live in a nice neighborhood. I don't drink or
beat the kids or kick the dog. I've been faithful since the day we've been
married. But she's miserable and I can't figure out why!" When the
counselor heard this he wrote, "His love-starved wife would have traded
the dishwasher, the dryer and the dog for a single expression of genuine
tenderness from her unromantic husband. Appliances do not build self-esteem;
being somebody's sweetheart most certainly does." Millions of wives way
amen to that. Husbands, listen and learn.
Finally, studies show that being at ease
and not up tight is the key to romance. When people are filled with anxiety it
kills the spirit of love. The experts say relax and enjoy, for if you don't
relax, and instead are full of doubts and fears, you will guarantee yourself a
negative experience. We are not just talking about sex here, but about a total
relationship. The mate that feels confident and good about themselves will make
their partner feel the same, and this is romantic. The key to intimacy is to
just be a caring person toward your mate. It is not some elaborate scheme to
win their affection. This can be fun on occasion, but true intimacy is found in
the everyday caring about the other, and doing the little things that help them
feel better about themselves and their life. It is giving the little pleasures
that are another piece of the twine that makes the rope that holds them
together bigger and stronger. Intimacy is God's goal in all relationships, and
this needs to be something we specialize in as we relate to our mate daily.
INTIMACY THOUGHTS AND QUOTES
Bruce Larson says sex is not the means to
union, but a way of expressing it. Those who expect to find oneness in sex will
be disappointed. Sex is an expression of a oneness already felt. Love, then, is
the key to sex and not vice versa.
Way back in 1970 Alvin Toffler in his
book Future Shock said we are forming a moduler society where people are like
components we plug in or take out to meet our needs. We do not get personally
involved in many peoples lives that serve us. I do not care who waits on me at
the grocery store. If they replace these people I may not ever notice. I have
almost no degree of intimacy with these people even though they meet a need I
have. They are interchangeable and disposable like parts of a machine. This
happens even in marriage where mates just use each other to meet needs but do
not develop intimacy. We fear intimacy for if we open up that can be
information that can be used to hurt us.
Mariyn Monroe playing Roslyn in the
Misfits says of her cold husband she is going to divorce, "He wasn't
there. I mean, you could touch him but he wasn't there." Closeness in
itself does not produce intimacy. A pile of football players is close but there
is no intimacy. There is a craving for intimacy, but there is also a cost, and
because of that cost there is a great deal of escape from intimacy. Promiscuous
sex is an escape from intimacy, but appears to be an addition to intimacy. But
what people are trying to do is to get intimacy without paying the price. They
want a quick fix and sex seems like the way to get it. But it is an unwillingness
to pay the cost of developing a close relationship with another person. Sex
without love is bargain basement intimacy. Simon and Garfunkel sang to the
youth of the 60's, "If I never loved, I never would have cried... I touch
no one and no one touches me..I am a rock, I am an island...And a rock feels no
pain, and an island never cries." The message is don't fall in love and
get involved with people in depth, for it is costly and it can hurt. The way to
be free is to escape intimacy.
Webster has these definitions:
1. Marked by very close association,
contact or familiarity.
2. Marked by a warm friendship developing
through long association.
3. Of a very personal or private nature.
Intimacy is very subjective and for some
it means sharing your ideas of what kind of car you like, and for others it is
sharing how you feel about nudity in the kitchen. If you need to talk about the
price of corn in Kansas, then one who has that same interest will provide you
with intimacy. Intimacy happens to us when we feel a sense of affirmation in a
relationship. When others share their weaknesses with us we feel a sense of
intimacy, but when they hide behind a shield of superiority intimacy is
impossible.
Daniel Wilknis said, "The anxiety of
nonbelonging is perhaps the deepest of all known anxieties." Anyone who
makes us feel we belong produces intimacy.
Intimacy is when people love each other
in spite of all their defects and imperfections. Infatuation is when you only
love the ideal. In courtship we present a highly edited version of ourselves.
We cover the blemishes and hide the defects, but all is revealed in marriage,
and this is when real intimacy begins.
Lowell & Carol Erdahl in Be Good To
Each Other wrote, "A wife once told of her problem in marriage. She first bragged
about her husband. He was an excellent provider and was faithful and kind. He
was good with the children and she had no doubt of his love. "There is
just one little thing, "she said, "he doesn't talk to me."
Subsequent conversation is revealed that wasn't literally true. He did talk
about some things. He said, "Please pass the potatoes,"and "What
movie would you like to see tonight?" He talked about painting the house
and going to the ball game but he did not share what was in his deepest heart.
He didn't confide his personal thoughts or feelings. As the months and years
passed, she began to feel as if she were living with a stranger.
Yet whatever our patterns of past
isolation may be, something in us yearns for a relationship in which we can be
open and honest with each other. While inhibitions keep us from sharing freely,
yearnings for intimacy invite us t risk saying something that will help break
the defensive wall that keeps us a lonely stranger separated from the one we
love.
There are ways in which these defenses
can be broken. The woman who complained that "he doesn't talk to me"
told her husband of her anguish and was surprised that he was open to visiting
with a third person, in whose presence they were able to make a new beginning
in their relationship. She learned that there were some ways in which she
contributed to her husband's silence and others by which she made it easier for
him to be more open. We sometimes encourage and enable the very behavior and
attitudes in each other which we most dislike. We may, for example, complain of
the slient partner and yet so ridicule his or her feeble attempts at sharing
that he or she is put down into retreating to a safer solitude. Or, while
complaining of too much nagging and bickering, we do all sorts of things that
continue to provoke it.
Dr. C. Edward Crowtuer wrote, "The
more intimate I get with you, the more vulnerable I become. The more you get to
know me, the more I am likely to lose you because to know me is not to love me.
If you know me less well, you might love
me more.
If you know me too intimately, you will
realize how inadequate I am, how fearful I am, how lonely I am, how worthless I
am, how unlovable I am, how lonely I am, and what a loser I feel that I really am.
I am not worthy to be loved by anybody, especially someone as marvelous as you.
CONCLUSION
If you expect to have a happy marriage
then you begin by accepting the plan of God for marriage. You accept his will
that the two become one. You accept that oneness is a goal that you strive for
constantly, and do all that you can to avoid a division in your relationship.
You work at maintaining an intimacy that keeps you close to one another at all
times. Acceptance of this plan of God is the foundation of your life together.
Conflict is a part of life and a part of
marriage, and if we have a low sense of self love and self esteem we will be
devastated by conflict. We need to be strong in our positive self image to
avoid being crushed by those who love us, for they can often say things that
hurt. But they need not be as painful if we have a healthy self acceptance. We
see it demonstrated in the book of Job with a heated conflict he is having with
his friends. They are aggravating and provoking him, and he is coming back with
answers that reveal, that as miserable as he is, he has not lost his sense of
self-esteem. He hates what has happened to him, and he loathes his sickness,
and his sores, yet he has such a high view of himself that he refuses to submit
to the pressure of his friends.
You might say this is a sign of his pride
and stubbornness to keep up this role of self-assertion. This could be a sign
that Job was a sinful man after all, but not so! The fact is, it is his high sense
of self-esteem, and his determined self-assertion that made him the man God had
such confidence in. A man with weak self-esteem would never have been allowed
by God to go through such a test. One of the values of this book is that it
makes us aware of the importance of self-esteem. None can live as God intended
without self-esteem.
Job is dogmatic in his self-defense. He
will never, as long as he lives, and has a breathe, deny his integrity. There
is no compromise here. Job knows he is not a wicked sinner being punished. It
is injustice, and he will never give in to this injustice, and bow before it.
You can call Job one of the most stubborn men who ever lived, or you can call
him one who knew the great value of self-esteem. What we see here in chapter 27
runs all through the book.
10:7 Job says to God you know I am not
guilty.
12:3 Job says to his friends I am not
inferior to you.
12:4 Job says I am righteous and
blameless.
13:18 Job says I know I will be
vindicated.
16:27 Job says my prayer is pure.
Many would look at all of these self-evaluations, and conclude with Job's friends, he is proud, conceited, and just to stubborn and self-centered to admit when he is wrong. Job's attitude toward himself forces us to wrestle with one of life's major issues, the issue of self-esteem. This is a complex issue because the whole world is in on it. The public is exposed to many books on self-assertion and self-esteem. The cult of self worship is one of the largest, and is a natural